Post by Griffinkeeper on Feb 9, 2013 14:17:18 GMT -5
I honestly had no idea was I was doing with this one. Originally posted on March 10, 2007
What Happened to SPEW? by Dargquon Ql'deleodna; Investigative Reporter
Early in YWS history, SPEW was a prominent usergroup. Highly secretive in nature, it's members consisted of some of the best critiquers in the world. Then one day, it disappeared.
The official reason given was that the usergroup had become inactive, so Nate deleted it.
But if he deleted it for being inactive, why didn't he delete the other inactive usergroups? What really happened to SPEW?
I began my search at Area 51...
At this point, Grif tossed the tabloid into the trash. Mythical usergroups? Best Reviewers in the world? Nate involved in some conspiracy?
Well, the last one wasn't too hard to imagine. Nate had disappeared a few weeks ago without saying a word. He made a note to talk to Firestarter when he came back on.
The forums were relatively quiet; Grif finished his moderating paces quickly. Returning back to his home, Grif took off his signature hat and coat before turning on the light.
The light didn't come on though, Grif looked up at the light. Someone had unscrewed the bulb...
And then someone grabbed him from behind! Grif whirled around.
"Is it secret! Is it safe!" Some old guy dressed in gray asked him.
"What the f&%# are you talking about? Who the **** are you anyways! What are you doing in my house?!" The old man was about to explain, but Grif had had enough. Grabbing the old man by his cloak, he tossed him out the door.
"And stay out you FREAK!" Grif yelled, before returning back to his house. He stood inside the unlit foyer.
"Now where are those gosh darn light bulbs?"
"Here's one," a new voice said, before handing him a light bulb.
"Thanks," Grif said, taking the light bulb and screwing it in. The light stayed out.
"I'm sorry, that one must have been burned out. Here's a fresh one," the voice said again.
"Thanks again," Grif said, replacing the old light bulb. The light remained dark.
"Oh, I bet you forgot to turn on the light."
"No, I'm pretty sure I flicked the switch," Grif said.
"Oh yeah, now I remember, I cut the power before I came in," the voice said.
"Who are you anyway?"
"I won't tell you my name, but I did write my name with blood near that painting you have. Use the blue flashlight.
Grif shone the blue light onto the painting.
"Arm Us?"
"It's an anagram," the voice said. Grif looked at it closer. Suddenly, the letters changed color and using cool special effects, he arranged them into a name.
"Ah, I always knew you'd come back Arsum!"
"What? That's not even close! It's Smaur!"
"Oh. What are you doing here?"
"I came here to give you a warning. I..." Smaur trailed off faintly.
"I what?" Grif asked.
"I think... I used... too much blood!" she said, collapsing to the ground.
******************
Grif stood in the hospital. Smaur had passed out due to low blood levels. Incandescence had used a slightly more complex word for it, but he was the closest thing to a doctor YWS had.
"Grif?" Incandescence was standing at the door.
"Yes, Incan?"
"There's something you should see," Incandescence said, motioning him to come with him. They passed through the doors. Smaur was naked on an operating table.
"Why is she naked?" Grif asked.
"I was checking for any other cuts."
"Do you do this with all your patients?"
"Yes."
"Then I guess it's okay. What do you want me to see? Smaur naked?"
"No, I found what appears to be a tattoo."
"Do you have something that I can use to look at it closer?" Grif asked.
"I have a pair of binoculars and a lens with a 1000x zoom." he said.
"That will do," Grif said. He used the camera to zoom into the mark.
"VIP member of Snoink's Happy-Go-Lucky Nudist Colony," Grif read aloud. "Never heard of it."
"It's a nice place, located on the outskirts of the forum."
"So why did you want me to see this?"
"I don't know, I just thought it looked weird."
"Smaur wanted to warn me about something. Maybe this nudist colony has something to do with it. Then again, if she wanted to show me that tattoo, she'd have- uh, captured my full attention," Grif said, putting it delicately.
"They sure are something," Incandescence agreed.
At that moment, Dono, Hunter, and Phoenix came through the door.
"Grif! I wanted to- wow!" Hunter said.
"We can talk outside," Grif said.
"I'll keep her overnight for observation," Incandescence said.
"Thanks?" Grif said, before going through the door.
"What's going on you three?" Grif asked.
"I haven't been able to get Nate," Dono said.
"So he asked me to get Firestarter, but I couldn't find him either," Hunter said.
"I got asked to look for Meshugenah, but she's also MIA."
"Did you try Bobo?"
"Forget it, the Mormons got him on a mission for the next two years," Hunter said.
"So what are you saying?"
"I'm saying that we're missing all our Admins. If word gets out that the Admins are missing, then mass havoc will reign! People can't be banned anymore! It will be chaos!" Phoenix said.
"Dude, get a grip," Hunter said.
"Who else knows?"
"Just Claudette, should we call Big Brother together?"
"Probably should," Grif agreed, heading for the door.
"Where are you going?" Phoenix asked.
"I'm going to a nudist colony!" Grif said.
"Nice," Hunter said.
***********
Grif walked out of the hospital and looked out. The hospital felt so stifling, getting out in the open again was a relief.
"GRIF!" Areida said running towards him.
"Hi Ari!" Grif said with a smile. Areida said nothing, but kept running towards Grif. With a flying leap, she slammed into Grif, knocking both of them to the ground. At that moment, bullets flew overhead as a terrorist opened up from a passing car.
Areida wasted no time, she grabbed a pistol from her skirt and returned fire, striking one terrorist. The vehicle stopped and three more terrorists came out, firing AK-47's. Areida ducked as they laid down suppressive fire.
"Grif! I'll lay down cover fire, get in the hospital!" She yelled.
"What?"
"Get in the hospital!"
"I can't hear you over the gunfire!"
"GET IN THE BUILDING NOW!"
"WHAT?"
"GET IN THE- oh heck with it," Areida grumbled. She grabbed Grif and hoisted him over her shoulder in a super-human movement. The terrorists were dumb founded- she had emerged at the very moment the terrorists had finished their clip. Areida let off a quick prayer and tossed Grif through the doors before ducking behind them.
It was only a matter of time before the terrorists came through the doors. Areida locked the doors, breaking federal law.
At that moment, Incandescence was thrown against the locked doors. Areida and Grif looked up to see a very angry Smaur.
Something was wrong with her though... the flesh around her skull had been ripped off, revealing titanium plating. One of her eyes had become red. The truth hit Grif suddenly.
"Oh my god! It's Arnold Schwarzenegger!"
"Must... terminate... Grif!" Smaur said. Areida fired at Smaur, but the bullet just bounced off.
"This sucks!" Areida said.
"Target acquired," Smaur said, focusing on Grif.
"I don't think so!" Hunter, Dono, and Phoenix said. Phoenix carried a sniper rifle, Hunter carried a Gatling gun, and Dono carried a paint ball gun. Smaur turned around, only to get a paint ball shot into her red eye. Smaur stepped back; temporarily blinded.
"LET'S GO!" Areida said, shoving Grif to his feet. Hunter, Dono, and Phoenix followed.
They headed for the rear exit. Just as they came to the door, the door exploded open.
"GET ON THE GROUND! GET ON THE GROUND!" Jack Bauer yelled. They all did this, Areida tossed her gun over.
"Dono, we're here to escort you out of here to CTU," Jack Bauer said.
"Thanks Jack," Dono said. A CTU van was parked nearby. A team of CTU agents went ahead of them.
"Let's go!" Jack said. As they approached the van, it exploded, sending a massive fireball up. The CTU team was dead.
"Mr. Buchanan! My team is dead," Jack said into his mic. "Darn, Sanchez was the best quarterback since this series began," Jack muttered.
"JACK! WATCH OUT!" Phoenix said, shooting a terrorist. Thirty of them had shown up out of nowhere. Grif looked around. There were several kids on skateboards and a large hill.
"Skateboards!" Grif said. He knocked a kid off the skateboard and got on, heading for the hill. The others followed suit. The chase had begun.
*****************
In the history of absurd plot twists, skateboarding with Jack Bauer and a few YWS members while being chased by terrorists and a homicidal robot from the future would probably be among the sillier plot twists ever created.
The only thing sillier, Grif thought, was if he did a headstand on the skateboard.
"Ah heck, why not?" Grif said, doing a headstand on the skateboard.
Suddenly, a gigantic dragon swooped down! It was big, red, and it breathed flames out of it's nose!
"MAKE ME YOUR MASCOT!"
"AHHHHHHHH!!!!" Grif yelled outloud, sitting straight up.
His surroundings had changed. He was in a concrete structure, which, for all the glass structures and modern computers, still felt like a really weird place.
"He's coming to! The hallucinogenic drugs must have done the trick!" Grif felt woozy but was otherwise alive.
He recognized the room immediately, he was in Bill Buchanan's office.
"Welcome Grif, I'm sorry about the drugs, but you were ranting way too much."
"It's okay Bill," Grif said.
"And my name isn't Bill, it's Patrick." Grif's eyes had trouble focusing.
"Grif, I know that this is difficult for you to understand, but we know that you have trouble understanding the most simplest of concepts, so therefore you should be able to understand this one." Pat Buchanan touched a button and a slide show began.
"A while back, we began an operation known as "Operation Monkey Business." The federal government gave Nate the training and resources to make a writing site where we could recruit propaganda writers and ninjas. Unfortunately, we lost contact with Nate and his deputies a week ago. We believe you have information that might help us."
"Okay, what do you want to know?"
"I'm afraid it's not that simple. You see, we need to interrogate you for information, using torture and other weird stuff. Otherwise, we won't have as big a homeland security budget as we'd need to finish the story."
"What?"
"See what I mean about not understanding simple concepts? Jack, take him away to be interrogated."
"Ah nuts," Grif said.
********
The rest is classified.
What Happened to SPEW? by Dargquon Ql'deleodna; Investigative Reporter
Early in YWS history, SPEW was a prominent usergroup. Highly secretive in nature, it's members consisted of some of the best critiquers in the world. Then one day, it disappeared.
The official reason given was that the usergroup had become inactive, so Nate deleted it.
But if he deleted it for being inactive, why didn't he delete the other inactive usergroups? What really happened to SPEW?
I began my search at Area 51...
At this point, Grif tossed the tabloid into the trash. Mythical usergroups? Best Reviewers in the world? Nate involved in some conspiracy?
Well, the last one wasn't too hard to imagine. Nate had disappeared a few weeks ago without saying a word. He made a note to talk to Firestarter when he came back on.
The forums were relatively quiet; Grif finished his moderating paces quickly. Returning back to his home, Grif took off his signature hat and coat before turning on the light.
The light didn't come on though, Grif looked up at the light. Someone had unscrewed the bulb...
And then someone grabbed him from behind! Grif whirled around.
"Is it secret! Is it safe!" Some old guy dressed in gray asked him.
"What the f&%# are you talking about? Who the **** are you anyways! What are you doing in my house?!" The old man was about to explain, but Grif had had enough. Grabbing the old man by his cloak, he tossed him out the door.
"And stay out you FREAK!" Grif yelled, before returning back to his house. He stood inside the unlit foyer.
"Now where are those gosh darn light bulbs?"
"Here's one," a new voice said, before handing him a light bulb.
"Thanks," Grif said, taking the light bulb and screwing it in. The light stayed out.
"I'm sorry, that one must have been burned out. Here's a fresh one," the voice said again.
"Thanks again," Grif said, replacing the old light bulb. The light remained dark.
"Oh, I bet you forgot to turn on the light."
"No, I'm pretty sure I flicked the switch," Grif said.
"Oh yeah, now I remember, I cut the power before I came in," the voice said.
"Who are you anyway?"
"I won't tell you my name, but I did write my name with blood near that painting you have. Use the blue flashlight.
Grif shone the blue light onto the painting.
"Arm Us?"
"It's an anagram," the voice said. Grif looked at it closer. Suddenly, the letters changed color and using cool special effects, he arranged them into a name.
"Ah, I always knew you'd come back Arsum!"
"What? That's not even close! It's Smaur!"
"Oh. What are you doing here?"
"I came here to give you a warning. I..." Smaur trailed off faintly.
"I what?" Grif asked.
"I think... I used... too much blood!" she said, collapsing to the ground.
******************
Grif stood in the hospital. Smaur had passed out due to low blood levels. Incandescence had used a slightly more complex word for it, but he was the closest thing to a doctor YWS had.
"Grif?" Incandescence was standing at the door.
"Yes, Incan?"
"There's something you should see," Incandescence said, motioning him to come with him. They passed through the doors. Smaur was naked on an operating table.
"Why is she naked?" Grif asked.
"I was checking for any other cuts."
"Do you do this with all your patients?"
"Yes."
"Then I guess it's okay. What do you want me to see? Smaur naked?"
"No, I found what appears to be a tattoo."
"Do you have something that I can use to look at it closer?" Grif asked.
"I have a pair of binoculars and a lens with a 1000x zoom." he said.
"That will do," Grif said. He used the camera to zoom into the mark.
"VIP member of Snoink's Happy-Go-Lucky Nudist Colony," Grif read aloud. "Never heard of it."
"It's a nice place, located on the outskirts of the forum."
"So why did you want me to see this?"
"I don't know, I just thought it looked weird."
"Smaur wanted to warn me about something. Maybe this nudist colony has something to do with it. Then again, if she wanted to show me that tattoo, she'd have- uh, captured my full attention," Grif said, putting it delicately.
"They sure are something," Incandescence agreed.
At that moment, Dono, Hunter, and Phoenix came through the door.
"Grif! I wanted to- wow!" Hunter said.
"We can talk outside," Grif said.
"I'll keep her overnight for observation," Incandescence said.
"Thanks?" Grif said, before going through the door.
"What's going on you three?" Grif asked.
"I haven't been able to get Nate," Dono said.
"So he asked me to get Firestarter, but I couldn't find him either," Hunter said.
"I got asked to look for Meshugenah, but she's also MIA."
"Did you try Bobo?"
"Forget it, the Mormons got him on a mission for the next two years," Hunter said.
"So what are you saying?"
"I'm saying that we're missing all our Admins. If word gets out that the Admins are missing, then mass havoc will reign! People can't be banned anymore! It will be chaos!" Phoenix said.
"Dude, get a grip," Hunter said.
"Who else knows?"
"Just Claudette, should we call Big Brother together?"
"Probably should," Grif agreed, heading for the door.
"Where are you going?" Phoenix asked.
"I'm going to a nudist colony!" Grif said.
"Nice," Hunter said.
***********
Grif walked out of the hospital and looked out. The hospital felt so stifling, getting out in the open again was a relief.
"GRIF!" Areida said running towards him.
"Hi Ari!" Grif said with a smile. Areida said nothing, but kept running towards Grif. With a flying leap, she slammed into Grif, knocking both of them to the ground. At that moment, bullets flew overhead as a terrorist opened up from a passing car.
Areida wasted no time, she grabbed a pistol from her skirt and returned fire, striking one terrorist. The vehicle stopped and three more terrorists came out, firing AK-47's. Areida ducked as they laid down suppressive fire.
"Grif! I'll lay down cover fire, get in the hospital!" She yelled.
"What?"
"Get in the hospital!"
"I can't hear you over the gunfire!"
"GET IN THE BUILDING NOW!"
"WHAT?"
"GET IN THE- oh heck with it," Areida grumbled. She grabbed Grif and hoisted him over her shoulder in a super-human movement. The terrorists were dumb founded- she had emerged at the very moment the terrorists had finished their clip. Areida let off a quick prayer and tossed Grif through the doors before ducking behind them.
It was only a matter of time before the terrorists came through the doors. Areida locked the doors, breaking federal law.
At that moment, Incandescence was thrown against the locked doors. Areida and Grif looked up to see a very angry Smaur.
Something was wrong with her though... the flesh around her skull had been ripped off, revealing titanium plating. One of her eyes had become red. The truth hit Grif suddenly.
"Oh my god! It's Arnold Schwarzenegger!"
"Must... terminate... Grif!" Smaur said. Areida fired at Smaur, but the bullet just bounced off.
"This sucks!" Areida said.
"Target acquired," Smaur said, focusing on Grif.
"I don't think so!" Hunter, Dono, and Phoenix said. Phoenix carried a sniper rifle, Hunter carried a Gatling gun, and Dono carried a paint ball gun. Smaur turned around, only to get a paint ball shot into her red eye. Smaur stepped back; temporarily blinded.
"LET'S GO!" Areida said, shoving Grif to his feet. Hunter, Dono, and Phoenix followed.
They headed for the rear exit. Just as they came to the door, the door exploded open.
"GET ON THE GROUND! GET ON THE GROUND!" Jack Bauer yelled. They all did this, Areida tossed her gun over.
"Dono, we're here to escort you out of here to CTU," Jack Bauer said.
"Thanks Jack," Dono said. A CTU van was parked nearby. A team of CTU agents went ahead of them.
"Let's go!" Jack said. As they approached the van, it exploded, sending a massive fireball up. The CTU team was dead.
"Mr. Buchanan! My team is dead," Jack said into his mic. "Darn, Sanchez was the best quarterback since this series began," Jack muttered.
"JACK! WATCH OUT!" Phoenix said, shooting a terrorist. Thirty of them had shown up out of nowhere. Grif looked around. There were several kids on skateboards and a large hill.
"Skateboards!" Grif said. He knocked a kid off the skateboard and got on, heading for the hill. The others followed suit. The chase had begun.
*****************
In the history of absurd plot twists, skateboarding with Jack Bauer and a few YWS members while being chased by terrorists and a homicidal robot from the future would probably be among the sillier plot twists ever created.
The only thing sillier, Grif thought, was if he did a headstand on the skateboard.
"Ah heck, why not?" Grif said, doing a headstand on the skateboard.
Suddenly, a gigantic dragon swooped down! It was big, red, and it breathed flames out of it's nose!
"MAKE ME YOUR MASCOT!"
"AHHHHHHHH!!!!" Grif yelled outloud, sitting straight up.
His surroundings had changed. He was in a concrete structure, which, for all the glass structures and modern computers, still felt like a really weird place.
"He's coming to! The hallucinogenic drugs must have done the trick!" Grif felt woozy but was otherwise alive.
He recognized the room immediately, he was in Bill Buchanan's office.
"Welcome Grif, I'm sorry about the drugs, but you were ranting way too much."
"It's okay Bill," Grif said.
"And my name isn't Bill, it's Patrick." Grif's eyes had trouble focusing.
"Grif, I know that this is difficult for you to understand, but we know that you have trouble understanding the most simplest of concepts, so therefore you should be able to understand this one." Pat Buchanan touched a button and a slide show began.
"A while back, we began an operation known as "Operation Monkey Business." The federal government gave Nate the training and resources to make a writing site where we could recruit propaganda writers and ninjas. Unfortunately, we lost contact with Nate and his deputies a week ago. We believe you have information that might help us."
"Okay, what do you want to know?"
"I'm afraid it's not that simple. You see, we need to interrogate you for information, using torture and other weird stuff. Otherwise, we won't have as big a homeland security budget as we'd need to finish the story."
"What?"
"See what I mean about not understanding simple concepts? Jack, take him away to be interrogated."
"Ah nuts," Grif said.
********
The rest is classified.